Depression does not define me.

Hello all,

So after last night’s mess of a CuriousCat anon thing, I had a lot of people shocked and confused and some even getting very disrespectful over my depression. I never really talk about it despite having it for a year and a half. Most of my close friends know about it, but I wish to talk about it.

So my depression started in my last year of University. I lost all my friends, we all fell out – that was hard because it was over petty little things. One day, I was “targeted” verbally by a friend in a girls bathroom and she brought me into a breakdown. That night I went home a mess, my parents had to come pick me up. Throughout my final year, we worked in teams creating a short film – I worked with a “friend” but he constantly put me down, said my animation was rubbish or sometimes just told me what to change without healthy criticism or support and I didn’t agree with everything and he took it personally or to heart and return put me down. I’d try and help and he’d just “beat me down” and it really knocked my confidence as an artist and an animator.

After I left Uni I got a little better, I had my moments of outbursts, suicidal thoughts, refusing to leave my bed and house, crying and just feeling alone. I had a few more breakdowns too with issues with the job centre and of course my mum having open heart surgery and lots of health problems. I then worked at the Disney Store and that again ensued more breakdowns. Around this time I went to the doctor for help, but they didn’t. I just got told “cheer up” or “here try this online thing and sort yourself out”. Not helpful.

I then had my birthday and I had left the Disney Store and I hate my birthday, so that didn’t help I was another year older and felt like a failure. The next few months I grew worse and worse, went back on job seekers and they “beat me down” too – made me feel worthless and a failure. I then finally went back to the doctors and broke down in front of them. The annoying this was 6/7 days I was terrible, and on that 1 day I was okay I’d see the doctor and I couldn’t “fake” it, coz I was genuinely happy! But I one day I snapped really bad at my mother, I felt horrible and I knew there was something wrong with me, I finally went back to the doctor and she put me on the lowest dose of anti-depressants and I’ve been taking them since April 2015. I had moments of “on again, off again” on alternate days because I felt amazing, but mainly take them every day.

I then started a new job at Wilkos and everything seemed to be great! Until the autumn when I was asked to be a Till Supervisor and that caused me to break down due to horrible customers, creepy staff members, so much pressure and more. I then went back to being just a sales assistant and things got better.

Everything seemed good over Christmas. Then this year came. This year has had it’s ups and downs. I’ve made so many new friends, had amazing trips etc, but also I lost Susie, we lost Laura-Lisa, I gained and lost a fantastic, I gained and threw away a good relationship, my family have had personal issues, I’ve been all over the place.

But lately, I’ve been extremely low, from everything, mainly the break-up I endused. The lack of personal confidence isn’t helping. But this year…

But my depression doesn’t define me, I try and not let me affect me but some days I just snap, I get sad, I get angry. I know some of you get upset and don’t’ like to see me like this, but some of you think I’m just being a bitch or something – but no, I’m not. it’s my depression that is making me moody or upset.

Unfortunately, I only have 1 friend in “the real world” so to speak that’s’ outside the Disney community and she’s busy, which I understand, so we can’t hang out all the time. But the rest of my friends are online and that’s why I crave attention from people online and anons coz I don’t really have anyone else. It helps when people compliment me and support me, it helps. I saw someone today basically say it’s pathetic but no, it’s not. I want strangers to validate me because I’m alone.

I just wanted to get that off my chest. I know it sounds cliche but you don’t know me. You don’t know my troubles, my thoughts and woes. Don’t judge so fast, don’t accuse to fast. Think before you type. You can easily upset someone.

I’ve kept it a secret because I don’t want people to baby me, or tip-toe around me. I might be fragile but I am also strong. I get sad when I lie in bed at night and I think of all the bad things but I can be okay. I’m not always sad, I’m numb, neutral, average. I just feel…. blank. But that’s for me to deal with, I really do love the support, but too many people type the wrong thing and I then panic and freak out and over think and do the dramatic. I delete accounts, remove people as friends, want to leave it all because one person made me question everything because that’s what my depression can do.

I’m done now. If you read the whole thing, thank you.

My depression isn’t me.

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One comment

  1. So brave and honest. I can related. I suffer in silence and try to be strong but sometimes it gets to me and I feel like there is no way out. Thank you for being a positive voice for this. X

    Like

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